Monday, November 21, 2011

Pre-release tracking for The Muppets shows that today's kids are assholes.

The New York Magazine blog Vulture has an article detailing the box office tracking for the three major family-skewing Thanksgiving releases set to drop this Wednesday.  For the purposes of this commentary, we'll be focusing on the pre-release data for The Muppets (review).  It appears that we are raising a nation of Statler and Waldorfs... According to NRG research polls:

93% of kids under 12 are aware of The Muppets, only 39% of that group expressed "definite interest" in seeing them return to the big screen.  Translation - 54% of said demographic is comprised of spoiled, good-for-nothing little shits who don't know how good they have it.  Fortunately, these kids are too young to make consensual decisions about movie-going, so use your parenting authority to drag their butts to a theater this weekend, under the threat of Safe Surrender if need be.     

Among kids 12-16, 78% are aware.  Of that number, just 29% expressed "definite interest".  Translation - 49% of kids aged 12-16 are useless, heartless douche-bags, which is just as well since they'd probably just talk to their friends and/or play with their brightly-lit cell phones for the duration of the picture anyway.  So you can just buy them a ticket to The Muppets and drop their punk asses off at Jack and Jill.

“Disney always wanted to make this a movie that reached all demos,” says an unnamed source in the article. “But something about the concept is not resonating with older kids.” It could be that today's youth are so used to flawless CGI and Pixar that a bunch of puppets seem distastefully low-fi, or maybe the Muppets seem as antiquated as Howdy Doody."  Translation - Kids need to realize that the reason most Pixar films and many Dreamworks movies are so damned-good is because they have stories and characters worth giving two shits about.  The 'flawless CGI' is no more responsible for the massive successes of Toy Story 3 or How to Train Your Dragon than the 3D was responsible for the record-breaking success of Avatar.

In the surveyed group known as "parents taking children," 87% of 'parents taking children' have strong awareness and 53% have a definite interest in seeing The Muppets.  Translation - Kids may not know what's good for them, but fortunately upstanding parents will be dragging their kids by the hair into a theater auditorium this weekend for a bit o' culture!  But 34% of said parents will probably be the first in line for Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked and probably were the carpooling parent(s) for opening weekend 3D showings of The Smurfs.  They are the problem, not the solution.

If the children truly are our future, then we may end up wishing that one of those late-1990s/early 2000s apocalyptic events forecast in the movies (Judgment Day, the plague of the 12 monkeys, giant dragons burning down the world, etc) actually happened.  No matter, Disney wisely spent just $40 million on The Muppets, so it will likely be a solid hit no matter how awful our nation's youth is.

Scott Mendelson


Geha714 said...

WOW. This is the first time that you're really angry baout something in an article. I agree that kids today are kind of A-holes. Just compare what they watch today to the stuff I watched when I was a kid (I'm 30).

Today, the deal for kids' movies are CGI or GTFO. I don't wanna live on this planet anymore.

corysims said...

Do I detect a hint of sarcasm or where you for real, Scott?

Skarin said...

this is a funny article...

TheDLA said...

I think that the Pixar movies hold my children's attention simply because of the outstanding quality of the animation. But my kids watch the Muppets, old Looney Tunes and Pixar equally. So maybe they are just weird.

Scott Mendelson said...

Let's just say it was a comic exaggeration, expressing real feelings but with tongues planted firmly in-cheek. At the end of the day, The Muppets are our generations' thing. Let today's kids have their own entertainment icons.

Matt from Phoenix said...

Dude you seriously need to do these type of articles for political polling. But warn me ahead of time ... it'd be so much better to read with a shot of whiskey. And yes. I called you Dude. Don't judge.

Sophia Gross said...

This is totally silly. My daughter (6) was excited about the muppets, enjoyed the show very much, never cared if it was in CGI or 3D. After years of the new youtube shorts (esspecially the Christmas ones) coming out, the kids are pretty warmed up tot the material. She laughed and cried in all the right places. (Well she didn't cry like I did during, 'The Ranibow Connection' but that's all sentament there.) Of course she also wants to see the Chipmunks. She's 6 and they are slapstick goobers. Apperently you've blocked the atrocity of Scooby Doo, Snorkels Movies, He man Movies, My Little Pony Movies... You sound just like my parents did about my movies, my music, and generally the superiotiry of everything in the 50's and theirs did to them about everying in the 30's. Rediculous.

Scott Mendelson said...

I'm sorry you didn't notice the tongue firmly planted in my cheek.


Related Posts with Thumbnails