by Scott Mendelson
World-renowned candy-bar maker and multi-trillionaire William J. Wonka was arrested yesterday evening after four young children perished while touring Wonka’s top-secret chocolate factory.
Authorities are still trying to piece together the details of the gruesome affair but so far there are confirmed reports of five fatalities. The dead children, Augustus Gloup, Violet Beauregarde, Mike Teavee, and Veruca Salt, are reported to be the young winners in the worldwide Golden Ticket contest, which awarded an exclusive tour of William Wonka’s base of operations to five lucky children who discovered golden tickets hidden in Wonka chocolate bars. One adult, Mr. Salt, is also presumed dead. A fifth winner, Charles Bucket, is said to be alive and unharmed.
“It would seem,” stated Chief Steven Helemson, “that Mr. Wonka lured these innocent children into his factory with a promise of a tour and a life-time supply of chocolate, than viciously murdered them in various bizarre and unspeakable methods.” The police believe that the deaths were in fact premeditated, as the various transportation vehicles seemed to actually decrease in seat space as the tour went on, indicating that Wonka planned on progressively thinning the herd.
The mother of Augustus Gloup, one of the slain, has stated that she herself witnessed her son’s tragic drowning in a raging river of chocolate.
“I asked Mr. Wonka to stop my son from heading into the marshmallow room. But, Wonka insisted that he was instead heading for the fudge room. I then replied that he was in fact a ‘terrible man’, to which he simply laughed.” Gloup’s gooey carcass was found floating along the river after police arrived.
Further examination of the carnage unearthed a giant puddle of blueberry goo, mixed in with brain matter, bones, and various organs, which is believed to be the remains of Violet Beauregarde. According to witnesses, Ms. Beauregarde was tricked into eating a poisonous gum-substance, which caused her to turn into a giant blueberry and eventually explode.
A third victim, Michael Teavee, was alleged to have been shrunk to the size of an action figure and then sucked into a TV set, where he is likely being constantly tortured and defiled by the “TV people” who are upset about the factory being buried on an ancient Indian burial site.
“They moved the headstones,” claimed an employee at the factory, one of several dozen ‘Oompa Loompas’, “but they didn’t move the bodies.” Oompa Loompas are tiny, orange-faced midget creatures that often talk in rhyme that may or may not be Wonka’s slaves. Most expressed sympathy with their master.
“Oompa Loompa doompadee doo,” exclaimed one distraught Loompa. “I’ve got another puzzle for you. Ommpa Loompa doompadee doo, if you’re wise you’ll listen to me.” The Loompa then proceeded to spew rhyming profanities (which are unsuitable for print) and claim that there was no life they knew that was not completely expendable in their quest to build a perfect chocolate factory. They threatened various authorities with acts of violence that were horrific beyond any world of pure imagination and thus also unsuitable for print.
The fate of the final casualty remains sketchy, with reports claiming that Veruca Salt and her father may have both plummeted to their deaths after being pushed down a chute designated for golden eggs. Although no bodies have been found, all accounts do report, however, that she was a “very bad egg.”
“Mr. Wonka is a sick, diseased maniac,” claimed an un-named executive of the rival candy corporation, Slugworth. “The golden tickets promised that ‘In your wildest dreams you could not imagine the marvelous surprises that await you’. Instead, the tickets brought a violent, surreal, ironic demise to four out of five of these innocent children.”
Wonka has claimed that each of the victims in fact caused their own horrible fates by breaking the rules and thus bear complete responsibility. According to the jailed Wonka, the contracts that were signed dictated that any violation of the rules and regulations ‘and et cetera, et cetera... Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum, et cetera, et cetera... Memo bis punitor delicatum’ would result in immediate execution.
“It’s all there in black and white, clear as crystal,” Wonka has claimed. “You can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy: ‘you mess with my factory, I will totally f^&%ing kill you!”